Honor Your Truth 2020-2022
I still think about my Dad every day. I don't know if you ever really get over losing someone as much as learning to withstand it. grief is not linear. It's not an upward trend. I can be doing ok, then bam, and I'm not. People say, "you'll see him again". And yes, I know, but this isn't really a comfort being that I have to die first. I don't know, that does not sound that great to me. I'm not as blind-sided by these waves of sorrow. There are even times that I embrace them in some strange way. But my Dad, my Daddy Rabbit, is gone and I miss being able to call him up and have him say, "well hello there young lady"
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He wanted me to be a dentist. He did eventually give up on the idea, but it wasn't until I was well into my 20's. So, when I told him I was leaving my job in Door County and that I didn't know what I was going to do, his response surprised me- "whatever you do, just make sure you have time for your music, that's what really matters", something he never would have said. He never got to see the "Songs & Stories" show. When he was in the hospital, he gave me a check and told me to get a good video. "You'll need it to sell your show to people. You're ready", forever the salesman. That has meant so much to me and I wish I could hear him say it again. My Dad was someone who, if you came to him with an idea that he thought had potential, he would immediately help you in whatever way he could. I felt like he believed in me as an artist.
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I was invited to perform in a storyteller showcase at a club in Chicago. I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and lived there until I left home at 17. It was my second attempt at moving out. The first time was to the pool shed in the backyard. After bouncing around a bit, gathering many stories to tell, I moved to the city and lived there until I moved to Minnesota when I was 35....with more stories to tell....
I still have family and friends in Chicago that I've kept in touch with, so I was thrilled to get this gig. They allowed me to do a story/song combo thing and it was a huge success. They would love for me to come back. Which regretfully, as of yet, I have not done. But performing the stories and songs together was feeling so right I can't even tell you. I was present, not in my head, either having other conversations about how bad and stupid I was or dissociated off in another world entirely until it was over and I could safely come back. I felt like myself and I can honestly say it was fun.
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Because of that show, I got an opportunity to do my "Songs and Stories" show in Chicago. It had been eons since I had performed in Chicago and it was great to be back in my hometown again. I was thinking, gosh, should I move back ?!?! Years ago, I had a recording studio and theater in Ukrainian Village. It was one of the best times of my life. I wish I was more aware of it at the time. I wish I could have a redo. It seems like all of us who continue to evolve have to have the experience of waking up and realizing you were never really awake and wish you had been.
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I got to see so many people. I'm grateful to my best friend Sheila for helping me put it all together. It would never have otherwise happened, and it was a "very special" evening. She was in my Fishbowl show back in the 80's. I had planned on another show as soon as I could. I was starting to feel better about leaving my job in Door County, more at peace with my decisions. At the time I couldn't have known what was ahead. I try to remember this and live by my mantra....well, what if it's good?
I wanted to move my show to a theater setting. I felt it would be much better for the stories and allow the show to evolve. This was to be the first show of many with Benji playing bass. We've been making records together since I moved to MN. He expands and enriches the songs and is THE soul reason I've been able to make 3 records and they are so great. He's an amazing person and artist. I was very excited to be able to do this show at the Phoenix. It was perfect for the direction the show was going and was a huge success. Sooooo many people showed up and the love and support they gave me has stayed with me ever since and kept me going. Thank you!
​And of course, Marge was there.... Sometimes I think people care more about her than me. I literally get asked, "where's Marge?" So, maybe I should make her do her own damn show. She loves it, just bein' her diva self. She sneaks into videos, but now she wants her own videos. She's getting all prima donna one me. And honestly, I don't know if I can trust her anymore. We'll see.
My sister Linda and I went to Prague. She is the 3rd sister to come with me. She has been working on our family tree for eons. She's really good at stuff like that, along with a gazillion other things, like knitting, drawing, just to name a few. My co-workers from the Czech Republic always told me Hadraba was a common Czech name. I looked it up in the phone book, back in the dark ages when there was such a thing, just to see it like a local attraction.
​I knew I would go back to Iceland, just not as soon as I did. I booked a couple of shows there. What? Seriously, because this was not like me. And I have no idea where the inspiration, nor the courage to follow through came from. But it was fantastic and I can't believe how good I got my little blue guitar to sound. It's an Art&Lutherie from Canada. It's so easy to travel with that it goes everywhere with me, but I've never used it for a gig. They asked me to come back. I would like to go right now actually. I was there for a while so I was able to get to some places I didn't make it to the last time. Like Diamond Beach, Jokulsarlon, Vatnajokull, and a little bit north too but there's so much to visit in this other worldly space place. Next time... xxx
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My Dad's birthday was December the 26th and he loved Christmas. He was really such a big kid. The Christmas before he died, he and I were sitting alone in the caddy, he loved his caddy and really wanted to drive it one last time but never made it. We never know when "the last time" will be and we could have already had it. The lesson of course is to be present for it all. We were waiting for my mom to finish choir rehearsal for midnight mass (which is now at 10, but they still call it midnight mass, which I do not get, but whatever). He was kinda quiet. Looking back, he was like that a lot before he died. I had to work to engage him which was never the case. He told me he loved his family and wanted to make sure we knew he had a good life. He was at peace, which to me is quite an accomplishment. Honestly, at this point in my life, that is what I want most of all- peace. Peace with who I am, what I'm doing, and what I've done with my life. I miss you Daddy xxx
