2026- The Right Now Truth
I feel like I'm finally coming out of this strange liminal space I've been living in. At least I hope I am. I've had a few fits and starts only to land deeper in the dark empty void. Not to be a Debbie Downer right out of the gate, but it hasn't been fun. I feel like I've been wandering through empty hallways, crawling through dark tunnels, wading through swamps, but not getting anywhere. I have had periods of depression like this throughout my life. This one has been long and particularly bad. And I could NOT seem to get out of it. I was frozen, hanging in one of those creepy pods, waiting for my life to start again, as it whizzed by me faster and faster.
The only time I opened up my guitar case was to put water in the humidifier during the winter months. But I've learned a few things... one being, if I don't get what's burning inside of me out, I'm a lunatic. I don't feel right. And I go looking for my brand of medicine- drugs, alcohol, anything to quiet the chatter in my head, anything that brings me relief from the pain and suffering of being human. While it may work for a while, it's not a sustainable solution. A sure-fire disaster actually. I've proven that. If I could have kept on using, I would have. Trust me. I'm Debra and I'm an alcoholic. So it's pretty simple... without a creative outlet, a way to express myself, I don't do very well.
Despite my hopelessness, the light appears to be coming back on, and I won't retreat into the miserable safety of darkness again. These past few+ years have not been easy, but they have been interesting, probably necessary, even amazing in their terrible, terrifying way. I'll share how I've survived, in case it could be helpful to some other desperate soul just trying to find a way to live. Struggling to create, to find meaning, to feel like what you say and do here on this planet matters, needing to know why you should keep breathing. Personally, I need a reason other than I'm too afraid to stop. Part of the problem is, I'm not motivated by the same things I once was. Something has shifted.
Supposedly I'm a senior. What the hell? Seriously? I guess I better hurry up and figure this shit out. I'm gonna put in for an extraordinarily long life. I'm gonna need it if I'm going to wrap this gig up well. To find peace with my life and what I've done with it, and with myself is no cake walk. I'm not workin' with a blank slate. I have plenty of "baggage", like a bunch of heavy cinder blocks I gotta lug around, It sounds as if it's a bad thing, but it doesn't have to be. It's just a part of my story, not the whole thing. So now what? Big questions with no answers, but I'm workin' on it. And it matters, we all matter. We're not too old, it's not too late. There is more significance ahead for us, even still.
It's 2026 and I'm finally out of bed and rebuilding this website, as well as some other platforms. I'm playing again, writing, getting lost in it. I have a to-do list that I'm excited about. Most of all, I'm trying to enjoy it- whatever I'm doing. I can't listen to the voice in my head that aims to keep me down. I'm gonna learn to let myself be happy. Which has proven to be even harder than being sad. Sometimes I entertain the idea of sitting back down on my couch with a bottle of wine and letting my life play out. But it won't be long before I'm crawling up from the bottom again because that's what I do. I won't give up like I think I will, so I'd like to skip that part if possible. Because as it turns out, I wont sit on a couch. I won't give up. If I think I can, I'm fooling myself. Rock on beautiful people, why not? What if it's good?
